honesty

We had it out, JC & I. Finally. Now I have to be honest, I did something I probably shouldn't have. See, with neither of us being from here & both coming from a relatively small city, I'm used to being able to do a background check on anyone I date. Background check you say? Yes, I said background check...not criminal or from a PI. The old-fashioned kind, I call someone in my circle of family or friends, and they call someone in his circle, and then they give the information back to me. Like, is he married, or living with someone, etc. Since we're no longer in the small city, trying that did not work. So I poked into his business a different way, and found out something. I've actually known it a long time.

So I'd been subtly trying to get him to admit it. Ya know, leading questions to JC, asking him to be honest, telling him how I felt about the whole honesty issue. And here's how I feel: if you discuss a situation that may be something you'd normally not share with the person you're dating or trying to build with, even if they don't like the situation, they knew up front what they were getting into, so how much drama can they really cause? They have to at least respect you for being honest. Or at least that's how I look at it. So if you're married/involved/financially unstable/bisexual/etc, I at least have to respect you for telling me. And I know up front what I'm getting into. I can't bitch later about the situation...I knew about it up front & was allowed to choose whether I wanted to get into the situation. Makes sense, right?

Here's the problem: he wouldn't tell me. I knew the situation, but he kept avoiding telling me...until he finally lied about it. Mentally, I went "A-ha!!!". But I actually kept the whole thing close to the vest, thinking the truth will come to light later. It didn't. Actually, the lie began to eat at my ability to trust him. When we discussed other things not related to the situation, I looked for the companion lies. Y'all know that lies never come alone, right? Anyway, I either looked for holes in his other truths, or poked holes in them myself. Still, I kept the whole thing close to the vest.

Well, that little fib became weighty with time, along with the other perceived half-truths I felt went along with it. Until I felt that weight get a little too heavy, and decided enough was enough. I confronted him. For the record, JC & I have very similar temperments, and really bad tempers. We had a semi-blowout. Funny thing is, the biggest issue was not the situation I'd discovered...it was how I went about finding out about it. I didn't go through his wallet, or check his cell-phone/pager. But I did poke where I shouldn't have. And while his lie was pretty bad, my poking was just as bad, if not worse. I told him (and myself) that I believed in him, and us. And we both said we loved each other. How can I love him if I can't trust him?

The resolution: I don't poke, and he won't lie (or vice-versa). If he says something is none'ya, it stays none'ya. And I accept that until it's not none'ya (we're building, and while I don't mind full disclosure, I can't expect everyone else to adhere to that standard....that's asking too much too early in the relationship). And honestly I respect him for that too. Oh, and the situation? That's still none'ya. However, he called me and apologized for lying about it after we'd resolved the whole thing...after the original apology and the initial makeup. He says it's still none'ya, and apologized for it being none'ya still, 'cause he knows that the only way we can build is to keep the none'ya's at a minimum, or actually share the none'ya's. And said he'd explain the situation as soon as he possibly could. I respect that too, especially since the apology came out of the blue.

So, we've cleared a small relationship hurdle. We've been through rough times, and are still going through them. But we rarely argue, and when we do, it's pretty significant. We addressed one of those relationship issues that can kill the relationship early, and fixed it before it really got broked-ded (that's so ghetto fabulous, but the word fits). We're going to be as honest as we can, so that there are no misunderstandings and no drama. And I feel pretty good about that.

BTW, JC was pretty worried about his not getting me a birthday present. He's going through some thangs, and I told him I wasn't concerned. But today, he gave me the best after-birthday present I could've received. Not his heart, that's great, but not nearly as nice as what he gave me today. He gave me his trust, and his confidence. And bared his soul. He said that "I'm not perfect, but I'm a damn good man, and I'm trying...". And that's so special, I couldn't want for more...